Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
