woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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