Need sex. Gaining weight.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
