I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
