your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
