I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
