Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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