We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize