I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
