I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
