its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
