Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I don't deserve a penis
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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