Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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