I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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