rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
