my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
