I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
