the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
