I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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