I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
