gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
