nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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