looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize