OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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