my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize