Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
