And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
