I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
