After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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