my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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