before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
