after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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