i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
