update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
