You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
farters have to be the big spoon...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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