just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
