halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
