next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize