Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize