Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize