They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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