I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
