so let's talk penis.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
