Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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