i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
