super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Still dying that you shit outside
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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