There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
