dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
