If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
This is classic penis vs brain.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
