Don't make out with my wife yet
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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