3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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