why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
