dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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