I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
