she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We need a shit load of segways right now
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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