Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
