the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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