who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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