He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
