Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I currently don't understand fingers.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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