I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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