when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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