i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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