Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
